Guilt...

"Talk about why you feel guilty. I'm curious as to the background/motivations..."

     In a prior post about me, I admitted that I sometimes struggle with tremendous guilt regarding this relationship and sexual experiences that I've had over the last few years. The guilt has become so pervasive at times that I have considered ending what we have as well as any other future endeavors with others. 

     As you know, I was raised in the Catholic Church, thus took part in the various sacraments through the Church over the years. I also attended a Catholic high school finding myself surrounded in a homogenous group who for the most part had already developed life-long habits of attending church on Sundays while practicing reconciliation (confession & penance) and the eucharist. Upon confession of sin, practicing Catholics find God's forgiveness. 

     Many today are critical of formal religion, especially the Catholic Church. Despite the criticisms, this is the religion that I practice and my children practice as well. It makes sense to me....

     The guilt stems from my religious beliefs that what I am doing/have done are wrong. I do have a SO, thus I took a marriage vow long ago that included "forsaking all others." Up until a few years ago, one could describe me as the quintessential spouse who had never ever been intimate with anyone else except the woman I made a vow to years ago. Indeed, I was a chronic masturbator, yet even doing this caused me to feel certain degrees of guilt since I was not sharing this experience with my SO....it was always done in private and away from her eyes..

     Things changed when I met an erotic dancer who I developed a relationship with, yet went no further than mutual touching/licking/sucking...I initially had tremendous guilt, especially after the first time we spent time together privately...Despite the guilt, my first taste outside my current circumstances caused me to look for more which finally brought me to you....then several others....and back to you again...

     I must say that my SO is spectacular....she is understanding, loving and caring...the best mom...this makes it especially difficult for me, because she has done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve the behavior that I exhibit....Have I lied to her? Yes....Have I been unfaithful? Yes....Would she be absolutely devastated if she knew? Yes....Do I secretly want to hurt her? No.....Has she done anything to deserve such behavior? a big NO...

     Guilt? Yes....

     Sooooo....the topic has me kind of bummed and feeling very negative so I will leave it at that explanation....there is probably more, yet it may best be saved for later....

     Yours,

      Your Pet and your toy :)